Touched by an angel
by akanii
Summary: After Castiel almost killed Dean, he felt guilty and took him to a motel room for rest. An angsty Castiel, hoping he can make everything right again and regain Dean's trust.
1. Never let go

"Dean…"

The last thing he remembered was Castiel saying his name. He must have blacked out.  
Dean was woken up by what sounded like an Enochian prayer and he realised he was with Cas and remembered what had happened.  
Before he got the chance to say anything or even open his eyes, he heard Cas whisper: "I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry."  
There was something in his voice. Was he crying?  
Dean wanted to tell him that it was okay, but it really wasn't. Nothing was okay. Cas had attacked him and very nearly killed him, something was obviously very wrong. Dean's confusion soon turned into anger. He sat up way too fast, so his vision went blurry but he still grabbed Cas' coat and began shouting at him.  
"Cas, what the hell? What were you even thinking?! Try that one more time and I'm going to fucking rip your wings off. How am I to trust you?"  
"What?", Cas returned, confused by Dean's last sentence, because everything before that had sounded pretty much like him, but that last sentence didn't. That thing about trust wasn't really Dean's style.  
"Dean… You're so hurt…", Cas managed.  
"Get the fuck out of my head!"  
Dean didn't know that who had tried to kill him wasn't Cas but Naomi, but how was Castiel going to explain the whole thing to Dean? He wasn't. The sound of wings and Cas was gone.  
"Oh, that's just like you, you little fucker!", Dean shouted at the empty chair next to him. Nothing. Cas was gone. Dean was so mad at him, but at the same time he couldn't stand being without him, not now. He felt bad for shouting at his angel and of course he knew that Cas would never hurt him. Something was wrong, Cas was in trouble and all Dean could do was shout at him.  
'Well done, dickhead', he thought to himself. He'd lost his brother – seriously, where was Sam? – scared away his angel and he didn't even know where he was. He obviously was in a motel room but not in one he'd been before.

"Cas, could you, like, please, come back? I'm sorry and I think we need to-"  
But he was cut off.  
"Dean."  
"Personal space!"  
It was almost a habit to tell Cas to fuck off since he always appeared right in front of Dean's face. Seriously, how'd he even do that?  
"Apologies."  
Castiel seemed so crestfallen as he turned away in order to respect Dean's personal space, but Dean grabbed his wrist.  
"You know what? Just… stay. Tell me what happened. What's wrong with you?"  
"Dean, I am… I can't. I can't tell you, but it's okay now. I'll never hurt you."  
And again Dean thought he heard Cas' voice break a little at the end. This was serious.  
"Cas, tell me what's wrong. Now", he commanded.  
"Was that an order?", the angel returned.  
"Yes, it was. Now tell me!"  
"Dean, I really can't. But it's okay now. You have to trust me, please."  
"That's what I did and it almost got me killed. Do you realise you beat the shit out of me and threatened me with a fucking knife? No?"  
"I'm begging you, please, Dean, I'm sorry."  
"You know, Cas, you scared me. A lot."  
"I know. I'm sorry. It was an order."  
"An order? Is god back and wants me dead now? Now, that's awesome."  
"Could you please not talk about my father like that? And no, it wasn't him. But it's okay now, I've sorted it. Dean, I won't hurt you."  
"Hell, Cas, just promise me that you're okay now, would you?"  
"I promise, everything's fine. I never meant to hurt you. Of all people, not you, never you. I dragged you out of hell for a reason."  
Castiel grabbed Dean's shoulder possessively, touching him exactly where the scar tissue of his mark pressed through the fabric.  
It was an intense touch and it was almost impossible to not feel the deep connection between the two.  
And suddenly, all doubt about Castiel was wiped from Dean's heart. He felt light, oh so light.  
Was that what an angel's touch did to you? Because in that case, Dean hoped Castiel would never let go of him again.


	2. Darkness

"Say… where's Sam?"  
"Safe."  
And for some weird reason Dean was okay with that answer and didn't want to ask any further.  
Of course, Castel had to take his hand off Dean's shoulder eventually, but for Dean it felt like a part of him had been taken away and it hurt. But the angel grabbed a chair and sat down right next to Dean.  
Dean was constantly torn between wanting Cas to leave him alone because he didn't want him to know too much about his feelings and wanting him and his warmth way too much and way too close.  
"Never do that to me again", Dean commanded.  
"What exactly?"  
"All this. Leave me, then come back as a different person, betray me. Just don't do it again. Promise me."  
"Dean…"  
The pain in Dean's voice was a horrible punishment for what Castiel had done. He knew he deserved it, deserved every punishment, but he couldn't bear it.  
Knowing that Dean felt betrayed by him hurt Cas in a way he hadn't thought was possible and it made him regret not standing up to Naomi sooner, but it was true that it had taken this threat to Dean's life for him to realise that he didn't want to be heaven's soldier anymore. At the beginning he'd seen it as a second chance, it had felt horrible to be fallen after all, not an experience you'd want to make. You wouldn't want to be public enemy of heaven. But now it just felt wrong. After all, Dean had always been there for him.

"Cas, you okay?", Dean wondered, concern in his voice, "you seem absent."  
"No, I guess nothing's okay this time. I hurt you, I betrayed you. I don't understand how you can still trust me."  
"Hey, don't wanna forget all the times you saved my ass, do we?"  
"But that doesn't count."  
Dean began to wonder if Cas was damaged beyond repair this time. Once again, he didn't care about himself but only worried about Cas, who didn't talk to him, obviously didn't trust him and he seemed so painfully broken this time. Cas never talked about what happened in heaven but Dean could imagine that for the angel, heaven must be awfully close to hell.  
"Don't worry, Dean. There's nothing you can do."  
The human could barely cope with the worn-out expression on Castiel's face. He usually looked confused; it was actually kinda cute, but not anymore. His carefree expression had faded, Dean hadn't even noticed when.

Castiel had never been exactly how he'd expected angels to be, but the darkness that now radiated from him was almost scary to him. Dean had fought many monsters and dark creatures, he'd witnessed his own brother practically becoming Satan, but this darkness around Cas was different and it made him shiver.  
It felt like a barrier around the angel and Dean wasn't allowed inside.  
In a somewhat desperate attempt to just do anything, he leaned against the angels shoulder, surprised that he didn't turn away. He didn't even know, how long they sat like that, Dean in this motel bed and Castiel in a chair next to it. It wasn't comfortable, but it felt right, so none of them had the intention to ruin the moment by making the slightest movement.


	3. Cheers

He must have fallen asleep, because when Dean woke up it was dark outside. Only moon light shone through the curtains. And Castiel was still there, wide awake because angels don't sleep.  
He'd always wondered what angels did at night but as the hunter lifted his head, opened his eyes and looked at Castiel, their eyes met and he realised Cas hadn't moved, he'd probably watched him the whole time.  
To be honest, Dean's whole body hurt from the weird position he'd slept in but he couldn't care less now.  
He tried to figure out what the angel was thinking, he expected to see something in his eyes, the glance of an emotion, but there he was, staring into those deep blue eyes of Castiel's but to his disappointment there was nothing there. Cas' eyes were so empty, not a spark of an emotion in them.  
Dean bit his lip until he smelled the familiar iron on his tongue.  
"Are you okay, Dean?", Castiel asked, concern in his voice.  
"Just… Let me do something. Tell me what to do, Cas, 'cause I don't know anymore! Fuck, just let me help you!"  
"I already told you, there's nothing you can do."  
"Oh come on! Don't give me that! Stop suffering in silence, goddamnit!"  
"This is none of my father's concern. I'm okay, Dean. Everything's okay now."  
"For fuck's sake, have you even taken a look in the mirror? You look like shit, Castiel! Don't even try to tell me you're okay, because you aren't and it's there for everyone to see. I'd be blind or stupid not to notice!"  
"Dean-"  
"No, stop that crap! Do you even rest sometimes? You always fly away and when you return you seem even further away than before. Every fucking time, Cas!"  
"I'm sorry, Dean."  
"That's not what I meant", Dean sighed.  
"I'll never go away now", Castiel promised, hoping Dean would stop shouting at him.  
"It's okay, can't be mad at you at last."  
Looking at Cas, he realised that shouting at him probably hadn't been the best thing to do, but damn, he was exhausted as well as the angel. And he understood because it wasn't the kind of exhaustion that goes away while you sleep. Sometimes you don't just need sleep, but rest and that's what both, the hunter and his angel were lacking. There was nothing they could do after a devastating day to get rid of all pressure that was constantly put on them, even if it was self-inflicted.  
It was just that Dean never forgot about Cas while he was gone. He always wondered where that damn angel had gone and if he was in danger. Whenever he returned, looking even more exhausted than before he left, a part of Dean just wanted to hug him, make him right again, because that's what his mother had always done for him when he'd come home with bruised knees from falling on the play ground.

Without really thinking about if it was appropriate or not he pulled Castiel close, stroking his hair and started humming a melody.  
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better."  
He felt a shiver going through Castiel's body and that only made him want to draw him closer, closing every gap between them.  
After all, it was all he could do to comfort his angel and he felt he owed it to him. To Dean, what brought them there didn't even matter anymore. Cas had been on a stupid order and he'd revolted against it. Only for him. That was what really mattered.

After another few minutes of humming the melody of Hey Jude, Dean got up and stretched.  
"Don't know about you, but I'm up for a beer now", he said, nodding in Cas' direction.  
He knew that to Castiel the consumption of alcohol didn't make much sense, but he also knew that the angel didn't quite understand its effects and it was just too funny watching Castiel drunk.  
He looked inside the small fridge of the motel room and found a six-pack. Not enough to get an angel drunk, but it was a start.  
He grabbed two cans and then let himself fall onto an old, scruffy sofa that was the only real furniture in the room besides the bed, a small, sticky table and the old chair Castiel still sat on.  
The sofa smelled of Whiskey that had probably been spilled on it by another guest and it reeked of the smoke, left behind by those who'd kindly ignored the no-smoking inside the rooms rule.  
"Come over here, I'm sure it's better than that chair you haven't left for hours."  
That was more like Cas. He simply forgot about himself sometimes.  
Dean handed him the other can as he sat down next to him.  
"Cheers", the hunter said with a smile, raising his beer and Castiel smiled back at him, a little insecure because that wasn't a usual situation for him at all. After all, angels don't go to bars together after a finished job. At least that's what Dean thought. God knows what happened in heaven while no one watched.  
"Cheers", Castiel finally replied.


End file.
